It feels like everyone around me is pregnant. It doesn't help that I work in healthcare and see pregnant ladies and newborns every.single.day. Normally, I am happy for them. Every once and a while, I have to dig up my feelings of happiness for them through a sea of green.
I don't know why the bug bites me when it does. I don't know why some days I am content waiting for our baby, while others I feel only desperation when I think about it.
I do realize it's a choice. Most days I choose to see the good, some days I choose to see the bad. It's just that some days are so much easier than others to choose good. I know we all feel this way about every battle in our lives...whether it's infertility, illness, relationships, faith, humanity as a whole....
Today, I am going to do my damnedest to choose the good. Despite all the glowing, pregnant women around me who remind me of my failures. Despite the one who just gave birth who doesn't even want her baby. Despite that many are in a more unstable financial situation than I am. Despite the lack of partners in so many of their lives and the presence of an amazing, strong husband in mine. Despite the drug and alcohol abuse in so many of these soon to be mothers lives. Despite, despite, despite it all, I am going to see the good. Because I don't know everything about their lives - I am only seeing a small portion, because it's not my decision who has a child and who doesn't, because we all deserve the right and ability to have a child...because I'm better than this sea of green, angry, hurt thoughts.
So, today at least, I'm going to choose to see the good.